dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
