And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
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We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
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I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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