If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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