i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
