It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
