I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
