My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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