look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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