If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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