the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
