they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
