I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
