go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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