turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
