the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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