Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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