I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
