Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
