i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
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Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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