yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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