A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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