NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
