When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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