Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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