hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
