Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
