if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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