Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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