I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
