I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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