i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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