I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
