I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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