yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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