i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
