dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
