I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
