I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
