I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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