They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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