I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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