I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize