just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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