I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
