How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
