I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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