Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
