Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
