I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
