I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
