Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
