Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
