At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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