I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
