So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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