Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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