if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
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There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
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I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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