Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
