someone threw a dead crab at me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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