Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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