I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
