I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
