Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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